I am about to finish the Connection course of the Art of Accomplishment. And again I find myself in awe of how exploring such a seemingly simple concept can be enlightening in so many ways.
Let me give you an idea of that.
What do I mean by connection?
Being connected to someone means being aware of them in the present moment. We hear their words, notice their gestures, and respond in ways they can notice, too.
That connection can have very different qualities. Sometimes we’re in a conversation, barely listening and waiting for it to end. Sometimes we’re simply talking. Sometimes we feel engaged and the conversation flows. And sometimes there’s a closeness that barely needs words: having a wonderful time together, or being there for each other in a painful moment.
To explore those qualities, bring to mind a recent conversation with a friend:
What percentage of your attention was listening? Not thinking ahead or thinking about something else, actually listening to their words.
How did they speak? Were they hesitant, animated, abstract, hurried?
What emotions could you sense in them? Anger, frustration, excitement, joy?
Did you take a moment to feel into it? If you give yourself a little time here, you may notice something you hadn’t paid attention to before.
Connection to others: the quality makes a difference
The questions are about perceiving beyond listening to their words. Noticing and feeling their emotions. Acknowledging their nervous system state. This gives you a fuller sense of what’s going on in the human sitting across from you. If they say everything is alright, but they’re tense and shaky, what’s your gut telling you?
The quality of our connection makes a big difference in conversations and relationships that matter to us. In life and in business: Imagine one of the senior engineers in your team has a drop in performance. You address it in your one-to-one. He says there’s no problem and promises to improve. The conversation could stop right there.
Now assume you’re more connected with him. You see that he smiles, but you also sense something that might be anger. It makes you wonder. A thought comes up about the recently introduced AI development tools, and you ask how he’s finding the new performance expectations. Perhaps that opens a conversation about his concerns: quality has been deteriorating, and he sees risks that haven’t reached you yet.
You begin to understand how much he cares about the work and what he’s trying to protect. His performance figures look different in that light. There’s something important here that needs both your attention. That’s the difference the quality of connection can make.
What would change if more of the conversations that matter to you ended with that feeling? How do you think the performance of the engineer will change?
Connection to yourself: not a given
So far, we’ve looked at the other person. But you are also part of the encounter. And we can be closely following others while barely noticing yourself.
So bring back the same conversation with your friend and ask yourself:
What thoughts did you have while they were talking?
What did you feel along the way?
How did you decide when to start talking?
These questions are about your connection to yourself. That idea can be hard to grasp. How could I not be connected to myself?
Let me give you an example from my life. I’m in a bookstore, ready to leave. I’ve had a quick chat with a woman I find attractive, there was a spark and would like to get to know her better. My memory of what happens next is like observing myself from the outside: hectically packing my things, a pressed “Bye,” leaving quickly, almost stumbling over my feet.
It’s a big store, so five minutes later, outside the building, I calm down and feel like I’m returning to myself. It was as though I’d been on autopilot, carried out of the store and unable to respond to what was happening. That was me being completely disconnected from myself.
You might recognize something similar from an argument with your partner, a situation at work, or a visit to your parents. Perhaps a familiar remark brings back an old reaction, and you only realize afterwards how much it carried you along.
Bring one of those moments to mind. Remember what it felt like when you came out of that reaction and felt like yourself again. That return is a movement back into connection with yourself.
Stay with this difference in connection to yourself for a moment. Which feels better to you? How would you feel about a high stakes meeting coming up if you knew you’d be able to stay connected to yourself throughout?
What to take away
If this article has given you a sense of the different qualities of connection, and of how connection with yourself is not a given, it has done what I hoped.
There is much more to explore about the practice and the role connection plays in transformation, in business and in life. This is a starting point.
If you want to explore this further, I’d recommend two things: let the impressions of this text settle and observe your connection with others and yourself over the coming days. Second, journal on the following questions:
What is my usual way of connecting? Which qualities does it have?
When did I last feel a special connection? What was different in that moment?
Are there feelings I find difficult to meet, both in myself and in others?
What can noticing my connection with myself reveal about how I connect with others—and the other way around?
This introductory podcast from the AOA Connection course by Joe Hudson and this podcast by Thomas Hübl about connecting to the heart offer further ways into the topic.
I’d love to hear your take on this. So let’s connect.
